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Sister, we are so sorry
What is rape?
Rape for anatomical females is when someone has sexual intercourse with you, penetrating your yoni, anus or mouth, without your consent. Without consent means it happened against your will. This can mean you were conscious and saying “no” or “stop”, which was ignored. It can also mean you weren’t capable of giving consent. According to RAINN, “Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given.” Rape can also include removing a condom during sex, without consent to do so.
Rape is not someone manipulating you to sleep with them (e.g. by saying they see a future with you), and then not wanting you afterwards. This is called being used or played. If the terms of which you consented to sex change in this way, that sucks and we feel your pain, but it is not rape.
Understanding the feelings
Being raped can be incredibly confusing, especially if it happens in a relationship or situation-ship. After it happens, you might feel traumatized, in physical pain and go into the fight, flight, freeze or fawn trauma response. Fight and flight are more obvious responses. Fight can include trying to push off your assailant, or fighting for justice through criminal charges. Flight can mean running away post-rape, as well as burying yourself in activities or food to avoid feeling pain. Freeze can mean that during the act of rape, you couldn’t use your voice or body to say no; you literally froze in fear. The fawn response is more subtle, in that you can try to please your abuser to secure love to alleviate the pain they just caused. It is pain protection mechanism that denies what just happened.
Afterwards, you might feel horrible, embarrassed, ashamed and wonder if it was your fault? The thought of deserving this might enter your mind, causing a plummet in self worth. It’s especially confusing if the people you talk to doubt your experience, or ask annoying things like “what were your wearing?” (which doesn’t matter).
Please know we understand how you feel, are so sorry this happened to you, and that rape is not your fault. Even if you were romantically or emotionally interested in someone, that doesn’t mean you’re asking for rape. It is both parties’ job to check for consent, and not assume it is there when sexual desires rise. It’s criminal not to pump the brakes when the light is red, or to not bother checking what colour the light is, at the intersection.
Please know that the pain that you are feeling in your body, after rape, is not yours and it’s not who you are. That is the perpetrator’s pain that was dumped into you, and it gets to leave your body now. It is not yours to carry. You are a brilliant force of love and light, that is treated with respect. Your body is sacred and cherished. You are a warrior that loves, respects and protects herself, and others. That is who you are.
Reporting guide
The first step to stopping rape is reporting it to authorities. Even if you’re reporting it months later, multiple denuncias (i.e. complaints) can be joined together in future to build a case. If you’re able to submit evidence within 72 hours, you have some protection from liable/slander if you choose to speak up about your experience. We know reporting rape is an arduous and cold process, involving sharing the details of a traumatic event that never should have happened. It is however imperative to work together as a community to prevent this from happening to someone else, if you are called. Having the courage to speak up can also be a powerful turning point in your healing process.
Follow the steps below to report a rape to the authorities in Nicoya.
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Please go the Emergency Room at the Hospital de La Anexión in Nicoya, which is a 1.5 hour drive from Nosara. As difficult as this is to do, the sooner you go the better. It’s critical that evidence is collected within a 72 hour window to substantiate the need for charges and your claims. The police will come the hospital, and file the report for the criminal complaint or “denuncia” . Please make sure you leave with a photo of the report.
Bring water and snacks with you, as this can be a very long process.
To carry you through, please activate your inner warrior, and know that rage is healthy to feel as a motivator. We want to channel rage in a direction that helps to stop this from happening again.
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Please go to the Nicoya Tribunals (i.e. courts) to file a denuncia. Rape is a criminal complaint, so you want to go the Fiscilia (i.e. prosecutor’s) section. This is located directly in front of you after security. The court hours are Monday to Friday, 7–11:30 AM, 1–4:30 PM. Where possible, it’s best to go first thing in the morning. Plan to be there for at least three to four hours. If after hours is your only option, you can also file a denuncia at the Organismo de Investigación Judicial (OIJ) (i.e. police station) which is open 24/7.
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Nicoya is about a 1.5 hour drive from Nosara. If you need transport, please WhatsApp Haylen (+506 8360-2016) and ask for Jason to take you in his SUV. Jason is a trusted driver, who charges approximately $100 USD round trip.
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You can request an official translator at the courts. DO THAT BY. If possible, it’s ideal to have a trauma-informed and trusted friend accompany and translate for you.
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We all need support to get through tough times. If you need emotional support, we can see if a volunteer is available to accompany you.
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To make this process as simple as possible, we recommend writing out a timeline of what happened. What dates did it happen? Where were you (bring location PIN or Costa Rican address)? As difficult as it is, write down each step because prosecutors will ask. For example, they might ask was your underwear or or off? If off, when did it come off in the sequence of events? Where did he penetrate you and with what? How long did the penetration last for? All they are interested in is the graphic and detailed facts of the moments where a crime was committed. Having this written down to read from limits mental exhaustion, and is helpful if your brain freezes in a trauma moment while recounting the experience.
If you happen to have the name, physical description, address of residence and/or work (with a location PIN), and passport or ID number of the perpetrator, that is very helpful too.
Make sure that you also bring your passport.
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Yes, this is possible at the Nicoya Tribunals by going upstairs to XX file for one. This is not done at the fisculia? (TRUE)? Once it is requested, the attendant will take the document to the judge on site for approval. If approved, the restraining order will be granted. The police then have to pass it onto the person it was granted against. Please note it can take a hot minute for them to do so.
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After reporting
Once you’re back in Nosara, please cocoon, allow yourself space for processing pain, and let us guide you to healing resources when ready. Save your denuncia in a safe space, and in digital form.
If not already a member, please apply to join the Sis, Check the List circle. We are happy to have a volunteer guide you through the intake process, if you need help. Once accepted, we’ll hold your denuncia records and flag the perpetrator in our system to alert other women. Once multiple complaints are logged, we take greater action to align cases and engage our men’s council.
In terms of shifting your point of attraction, the only job you have going forward is to have higher standards with men, if you so choose. This is said with love. Rape by men illuminates the need for healing of the masculine wound, which is planetary-wide and we would love to help you do! As part of our circle, you’ll have access to a list of recommended healers and volunteer treatments.
“I might be changed by what happened to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.”
— Maya Angelou